I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
