drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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