those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
