Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
