Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
