Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
