god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
