remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
