every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
