her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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