sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
