quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
