so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
