we have pet lesbian snakes
I can text with my tongue
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
