I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Your dad touched me again.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
