I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize