I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
