Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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