I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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