best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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