Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
