Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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