i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
what is it with giant penises always finding me
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
