So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
