My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
