I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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