for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
two words: eviction party
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
