Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
