he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
