You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
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I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
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My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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