fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
