Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
