Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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