my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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