I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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