Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
