WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
