I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
She has the best kind of daddy issues
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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