I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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