Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
