I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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