I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
