I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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