Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
