I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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