im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
