so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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