Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
