I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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