you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
