I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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