i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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