Apparently you make a good broom.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
