look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
