so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
