So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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