I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize
