Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
