If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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