I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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