Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Randomize
